Noah in 2011

In honor of Parshat Noah being read this week, a new Noah story!

In the year 2011, G-d came to Noah and said, "Once again, the earth is filled with evil and I see the end of the world before me.  Build another ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans." G-d gave Noah the blue prints and six months to build the ark. 

Six months later, Noah had no ark. G-d questioned where the ark was, as the rains were poised to begin and Noah begged for forgiveness claiming things had changed. He said, "G-d, I need a building permit and I've been arguing with the inspector about a sprinkler system for ark. And my neighbors claim that I violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the ark in my backyard. I had to go to the local planning committee and am still waiting for their decision.""

He continued, "Then the electric company demanded an ark load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to sea. I told them the sea would be coming to the ark, but they would hear nothing of it. And getting wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save an endangered owl. I tried to convince them I need the wood to build an ark to save the animals, but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the Environmental Protection Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.  Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work.  And what's more, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Internal Revenue Service seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.  Noah looked up in wonder and asked G-d, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said G-d" The Government beat me to it."