Strong

I like to consider myself a strong person. I lift weights at the gym and when called upon can become a pillar of strength to those I love, and those who need it. This week I feel my strength is not really there.

I have been trying to be a pillar of strength these past few days for my mom. To always seem content, so she can sit and visit with well wishers and not worry about me. I am making sure she eats, making sure she has hugs, and tea, and all the things she needs to not be thinking about.

But by late this afternoon I began to feel a void inside myself. I just began to feel tired (aside from a lack of sleep) I realized I felt downright sad. I think my strength is beginning to fade. I have been trying to not show my feelings, keep strong for my mom and uncle, look like a mature together young women for those paying respects, but now I am unable to be strong anymore.

I am sad, I am hurt, I am beginning to accept that one of the people I love the most I will never see again and my strength meter has just gone away.

I find the Jewish mourning process to be one that has so many strengths, being able to sit shiva and be cared for, and to bury quickly to get that hard step over and not linger, but to me there is one problem. For those close to the person who has died, who aren't required to sit shiva there seems to be little time nor place to have one's own mourning period. I am always "on" for my mom, which please don't get me wrong I love doing and couldn't imagine not being here to do so for her this week, yet I feel that I have had no time to sit, and cry, and process, and share my memories.

My time alone these past few days has been driving to and from work and the moments I sneak up to my room while my mom has visitors to check my email and see if any friends are online to chat with.

I first noticed my strength weakening yesterday when alone in the car driving back from the airport where I said good-bye to Avi and Ben. When I drove past Yankee Stadium (where they had just scored their 2nd run) I began to sob, just downright sob. They were winning for Zayda, and I began to realize he is truly gone from this world.

I know my strength will come and go and over time it will return but for now, I am so sorry Zayda, but I just was not strong enough to keep my elbows off the table tonight, but I will try again tomorrow night.