Bumblebee Day

April 15th is my "Bumblebee Day" -- I haven't really mentioned it in the past few years. But, this year it feels right to mark the day. The name comes from the scientific principal that according to the laws of aerodynamics, bees should not be able to fly. Well...they do...why? Could it be because no one has said "you can't" 

On April 15th, 1998 I was diagnosed with a Central Auditory Processing Deficit, Hyperacusis, and Tinitus. Long story short - the universe tried to tell me a slew of "you can't..." on that day, but I kept on trucking - much like those bees who flies despite not being aerodynamically fit to do so. 

The last year hasn't been the easiest for me hearing-wise. Zoom meetings, especially days with back-to-back ones are challenging; hearing and processing sound through a screen is hard. Masks muffle speech and there are no lips to read to compensate. I've noticed increased bouts of tinnitus and my startle reflex to sudden sounds is back. Friday nights have been spent as a blob on the couch, much like I did in high school, decompressing from too much listening.   

But. I've also kept on trucking. I've tackled a new job - one with lots of listening on screens and in masks. I've conquered life. This year, I was a bee, just like I have been for the past 23 years. So much of 2020 was the universe saying "you can't do this" -- I know what to do with feeling...say "oh yeah, watch me" and go do it anyway. 

I have my ebbs and flows with my openness about my "stuff" - having an invisible disability is hard and I spent much of my life insisting I be seen and supported and learned it was easier to just work 90x harder with my head down rather than be judged for what is really going on. But, slowly, I am more open. Nothing to hide. Just a lot to celebrate and share. Maybe this year will the year to live more boldly, we shall see...

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Bumblebees Don't Know

Everyone has their animal. The one they've loved since childhood. Now, since I was a kid, sea turtles were my favorite animal. I knew all the various types. Had more stuffed turtles than an aquarium gift shop. We visited turtle rescues in Florida. Turtles was my thing.

But, for the past 21 years, another animal has been close to my heart. Bumblebees.

On April 15, 1998 I was diagnosed with a slew of auditory processing disorders - many which impacted my entire life. What do bees have to do with this?

There is a saying "bumblebees don't know..."

Well, aerodynamically bees shouldn't be able to take flight. Their wings are practically sheer and their little bodies have a solid mass. But they do fly! Why? Because no one ever told them can't!

That became my driving force. I had managed for 10 years in the face of odds. I was learning and functioning as best I could despite a deck stacked against me.

As I've become a runner, this mantra still holds true. There is no excuse to give up. Being a bumblebee is a special part of who I am and who I will continue to bee.

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Bumblebee

17 years ago today, my world was rocked when we leaned about my CAPD, hyperacusis, and tinnitus. 

It seems so long ago. Eons ago. Yet, the day and the subsequent fight to figure out who I was amidst the labels given to me that day is still so fresh in my mind.

17 years ago, I was a happy 10 year old. I lost some spark that day, but today am a strong bumblebee - flying against the odds.

Not much to say, it's odd to look back on this day, now, as a thriving adult. Yet, I need to mark it, as it is such a crucial part of who I am today.

Other CAPD reflections:

15 years

13 Years

12 Years - which also means it's been 5 years since I graduated college!?

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Sarcasm?

As part of my "stuff," I don't hear sarcasm well. Being able to detect tones of voices and the nuances of language was (and can still be) very tricky for people with CAPD. As a child I was always missing the sarcastic comments others were making, which made it hard to follow along in some situations and also meant I would misinterpret things wrong, often.

Through lots of practice, trial and error, and asking "was that sarcasm" I finally started to get the hang of it. If you naturally can get and use sarcasm, appreciate it! I actually got good enough at one point, that I started to really use my new skill a lot, and one day my mom even remarked "now I regret teaching you sarcasm!"

For anyone who watches "The Big Bang Theory" you know the running "was that sarcasm" line that Sheldon uses.

That, in a less socially clueless way, was me for so long. So when I saw that they sell a "Big Bang Theory" shirt with the line "was that sarcasm" I had to get one. I had to work hard for this skill, so I decided to celebrate it! 

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15 years of flying

"When life starts to get to me my mom says, 'bumblebees don't know.' This is because aerodynamically bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly; yet they do. This reminds me that even though I was told I couldn't do things, I did. Knowing this, I get up each day and work hard at school and work.  When I do these thing, I am flying." -- from my American University essay, 2005

According to principles of physics and aeronautics bumble bees should not be able to take flight.  Yet, bees can fly and do fly. Why though? How can this little insect defy the odds of something as concrete as gravity?

It is most likely because no one ever told them they can't fly.

Why do I even know this? Because 15 years ago I was the little bumble bee flying along until someone told me I shouldn't be flying.  And...I stopped flying so freely.  That day, April 15, 1998, I was diagnosed with my Central Auditory Processing Deficit and other various learning issues.

That day a professional told me I was clearly accomplishing things I shouldn't be able to do.  So I stopped.  Well, more precisely my spirit stopped.  It took several years of my mom fighting for me and encouraging me until I got off the ground again and began to soar again, and soar I have.

This year is somewhat more momentous to me. Besides being 15 years since that fateful day, this year I am not only a successful adult, I am a teacher, more specifically a special education teacher. In a way, I have become a bee keeper.  I spend every day making sure my students can fly and can learn, it may be harder than it should be, but the end result is so sweet.

A few years ago, I researched more about bees and their flying and I found one quote about bees and flying that really spoke to me, "their aerodynamic performance decreases and to compensate, they tend to flap their wings faster."  To me that says it right there: children with LDs can fly, and clearly we do fly, but we just have to flap our wings harder.  We are the bumble bees - doing the impossible every day, but what matters is we do it.

Today, more than ever, I am so glad I realized I could fly, regardless of what any specialist and test said.  The last 15 years have been full of trials and sweetness and I am so happy to be flying through life; my arms may be tired but it's been so worth it.

Flying Sweetly

"When life starts to get to me my mom says, 'bumblebees don't know.' This is because aerodynamically bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly; yet they do. This reminds me that even though I was told I couldn't do things, I did. Knowing this, I get up each day and work hard at school and work.  When I do these thing, I am flying." -- from my American University essay

According to aerodynamic principles of physics and flight bees should not be able to take flight.  Clearly, bees can fly and do fly, most likely because no one ever told them they can't fly.

Why do I even know this? Because 13 years ago I was the little bumble bee flying along until someone told me I shouldn't be flying.  And, I stopped flying so freely.  The day I was diagnosed with my Central Auditory Processing Deficit and other various learning issues was the day the professionals told me I was clearly accomplishing things I shouldn't be able to do.  So I stopped, more precisely my spirit stopped.  It took several years of my mom fighting for me and encouraging me until I got off the ground again and began to soar again, and soar I did.

Recently I began to do a bit more research on bees and their flying.  I came across one quote about bees and flying that really spoke to me, "their aerodynamic performance decreases and to compensate, they tend to flap their wings faster."  To m that says it right there.  Children with LDs can fly, and clearly we do fly, but we just have to flap our wings harder.  We are the bumble bees - doing the impossible every day, but what matters is we do it.

Becoming a special educator teacher will be like being a bee keeper.  Making sure my students can fly and can learn, it may be harder than it should be, but the end result is so sweet.  And I am so glad I realized I could fly, regardless of what any specialist and test said.  The last 13 years have been full of trials and sweetness and I am so happy to be flying through graduate school, my arms may be tired but it's been so worth it.

Soaring Higher Than Ever

Today is April 15, 2010.

Today I will go to my classes, give a small presentation in one of them, hang out with some friends, cook dinner, study, and watch Fringe.

Seems mundane, no? But what really is significant about today is the date. For one, it is my mom's birthday (happy birthday Ima!!), another it's tax day, but today is also something else. Today is the 12th anniversary of the day I was diagnosed with Central Auditory Processing Deficit or CAPD.

12 years ago my world changed. On one hand we had answers for why school and life were so hard for me and on another hand life changed once the label of CAPD was slapped on me.

12 years ago I was a little 4th grader and at that time I had no idea what that label would mean, how my life would change (for good and bad).

The past 12 years have been a mix of new therapies, struggling with school work, figuring out who I am, and some living thrown in there too!

And today, 12 years later, I am 3 weeks away from graduating college. COLLEGE!

CAPD no longer stands in my way, but stands with me. It no longer defines me, but it's part of my definition: who I am and I would never change that.

In the past 12 years, without my knowing it, CAPD has been my GPS, helping me get to where I am today and get me started on the path to where I am going. I have decided to not become a doctor, not to become a marine biologist, not to become a physical therapist, but to become a teacher - a special education teacher.

I will get to help students learn in ways that work best for them, something that most of my teachers didn't know how to do. I cannot wait to help make sure lots of little bumblebees continue to fly even though the LD label they have tells them they shouldn't be able to do so!

12 years... wow... I will always have CAPD, but today I feel like I did it. I did what many people probably thought I would never do. Today I feel like I survived.

I have survived, I have grown, I have changed, I have thrived, and I am still flying!

Ringing.....

Before I started seeing my amazing audiologist back in high school I used to have awful tinnitus on top of all my other sound processing issues.

Within a few months of wearing my sound generators my tinnitus was gone. What a change. It's amazing how annoying frequent ringing in your ears can be. Think really, really, really, high pitched ringing in your ear..... yeah annoying.

Now a days I only get a short bout of tinnitus when I am really congested.

I would like to say that for the last 40 minutes my ear has been ringing. First I thought the battery in my sound generator had died, nope.....

I would like to state for the record, I really HAVE NOT missed this.

At all.

That is all.

Ha, I should have begun this post 35 minutes ago. The ringing is beginning to subside, still there but at a much lower less annoying volume.

Bumblebees Don't Know

The first blog I began was a way to journal about my trials and triumphs with Central Auditory Processing Deficit (CAPD) as I began college. Well, eventually I stopped keeping up with that blog and eventually moved to this blog. I decided to move over some of the posts about my life with CAPD and how it effects me to this blog. Here is something I wrote basically describing CAPD and me.

I was diagnosed with a Central Auditory Processing Deficit, Hyperacusis, and Tinnitus on April 15, 1998. The diagnosis helped explain to me and my family why school and life had been so difficult. It gave a reason for why I was getting easily overwhelmed by sound and why school was getting more difficult. Because my brain didn’t process sound well which meant I was missing much of what was said. We now know that this was likely caused by many sinus infections as a young child which caused my brain’s ability to process sound to be compromised. Although my ears work fine I often come across as someone who is hard of hearing. During my early years my brain was not exposed to sounds and did form enough hearing pathways. The last ten years has been a struggle to overcome this and learn how to live my life to the fullest.

I changed after I was diagnosed. I stopped being the free spirited, carefree kid I was before. Before that day nothing stopped me, then suddenly my life was brought to a screeching halt. I suddenly had “issues,” I had to visit specialists, I became embarrassed about who I had become. I denied that I had these problems and let the diagnosis define who I was until I saw that having CAPD was one more unique part of who I was.

I know “own my disability” telling friends, professors, and even university admissions board about the LDs I have overcome. Here at AU I am thriving due to an amazing support program they have, including a separate application process, special college writing classes, and free tutors. Owning my disability has changed my life for the better, and I now can live my life no longer afraid of having to hide my “issues.” Sure at times I get down in the dumps and do the “poor me” or “why not someone else” but I know that that attitude gets me nowhere. Holding my head high is the only way to get through life, if people do not accept me and my “stuff” then they miss out on meeting the individual behind it all. It has taken me a long time to understand that and it has allowed me to meet some amazing people along the way who have helped me see who I really am and how to live life to the fullest!

“When life starts to get to me my mom always says, “Bumblebees don’t know.” This is because aerodynamically bumblebees shouldn’t be able to fly; yet they do. This reminds me that even though I was told that I couldn’t do certain things, I did. Knowing this, I get up each day and work hard at school, at work, and dance. When I do these things I am flying.”

-- From my AU essay

Stay tuned for more about my life with CAPD